The Perfectionism–Control Loop: How Trying to Be Perfect Becomes a Shield Against Failure (and 3 Ways to Break Free)
Perfectionism often wears a convincing disguise. It can look like ambition, responsibility, or “just having high standards.” But underneath the polished exterior, many women struggle with the exhausting pressure to do everything flawlessly—and a deep fear of what might happen if they don’t.
At the root of perfectionism is something many don’t expect: a high need for control. Perfectionism becomes a protective strategy—an attempt to avoid failure, rejection, or feeling “not enough” by keeping every detail tightly managed.
Why Control Feels Safe
When life feels unpredictable or past experiences have taught you that mistakes come with consequences, control can feel like safety. If you control how you show up, how others perceive you, and every possible outcome—you lower the risk of failure, disappointment, or shame.
But that kind of control isn’t freedom. It’s a trap.
The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism
Chronic anxiety and burnout
Difficulty delegating or asking for help
Overthinking or procrastinating for fear of doing it “wrong”
Strained relationships due to high expectations (of yourself and others)
Constant self-criticism—even when you succeed
If this sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone—and perfectionism is not your personality, it’s a survival strategy. And you can choose a gentler way.
3 Ways to Begin Letting Go of Perfectionism & Control
1. Learn to Tolerate Discomfort, Not Eliminate It
Perfectionism is often a strategy to avoid emotional discomfort—embarrassment, uncertainty, judgment. Begin noticing when the urge to “get it just right” is really about avoiding how something might feel rather than what it actually requires.
Try this: Next time you’re about to obsess over an email or delay a project, ask yourself: “What am I afraid will happen if I don’t get this perfect?” Sit with that feeling—without immediately fixing it.
2. Redefine What Success Means to You
Perfectionism relies on rigid standards—usually ones shaped by external validation. Start defining success on your own terms. Maybe success means “done is better than perfect.” Maybe it’s “I showed up, even if it wasn’t flawless.”
Try this: Create a “self-defined success list” with examples like:
I did something even though it scared me.
I let myself rest without guilt.
I completed something without triple-checking.
3. Practice Radical Self-Compassion
The antidote to perfectionism isn’t laziness or carelessness—it’s compassion. When you make a mistake, miss a deadline, or can’t control an outcome, respond to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a close friend.
Try this: Write yourself a note of encouragement when something doesn’t go as planned. Or repeat this mantra:
“I am allowed to be human. My worth is not tied to flawlessness.”
